My Depression Theory

I read from somewhere that depression is usually triggered by an event that has created a big impact in one's life... say the death of a loved-one or the separation of parents...or breaking up with someone...

Having discovered that, I recounted all the things that had happened to me for the past 12 months and realized that my depression started when my working partner who was like a brother to me left for another country. I can clearly remember the day he left, I cried like a baby and I didn't know why. It wasn't the usual me. Of course, he didn't know I cried. I did it on my way home after he left. I am not a sentimental person so it kind of puzzled me that I cried. In fact, up until now it still remains a question mark. All I can do is guess. Maybe, I cried because I was too afraid to take over his job and the responsibility was too heavy for me... maybe, I cried because I felt that someone I consider close to me would be leaving me. My tears went flowing even more when he sent me a text message wishing me good luck and telling me to do my job diligently... you know, the usual words of someone senior to you. But he's just one year older than me if I'm not mistaken.

Now that I'm reliving the past, it dawned on me that the reason why I felt that way back then was because I was not yet ready to be left alone. Obviously I was always dependent on him (I was a trainee and he was my, let's just say, buddy, the one who was assigned to look after my progress) so I got used to have someone backing me up whenever I couldn't do my job properly. After he left, I have no choice but to do things alone. I was able to survive the storm though. I can vividly remember the times when our client would start harrassing me with system problems and I couldn't even give them an answer coz' I don't have a single idea what was causing the problem. Worse thing still was the project manager, who was suppose to be the one dealing with the client doesn't know either. He was too wise to just leave all the burden all to me. So there I was, left in the middle of the battle carrying no weapon but the burden that I have to do it without the help of anyone else not even the project manager who claims that he monitors everything.

Even though I was able to surpass that crisis, it also came with a price, I became depressed. I would come home crying for no reason at all. Too much stress I guess. I didn't want to go out and meet up with friends and when they asked me why, I just cry. After a few months, I found a new job. I reckoned that this job isn't worthy of all my efforts afterall.

If it wasn't for this event of my life, I would have been forever a parasite but then if it wasn't for this event too, I wouldn't have been depressed up until today. I read if from a book that says learning is a painful process. It requires giving up the old self and embracing a new set of ideas... it entails accepting a wider view of what you already believe. I do agree it is a painful process because people usually find it hard to give up the things that they have grown used to. They find it hard to adapt to new things.

Perhaps, I really haven't done giving up my old self. There's still a part of me that wants to cling to the idea that there is somebody out there who can back me up. I'm still in the process of learning to embrace the truth about me being on my own now. This could be the reason or this could be not. I don't know. But I just hope that in writing, I can understand myself better and iron the way my mind works.

This society stigmatize depressed people as weak people. They think that they are the ones who cannot carry too much load thus the tag weak. I don't know if I'm weak. I won't dispute with that claim coz' compared to other people, I'm in fact still luckier yet here I am, admittedly too weak to even carry my responsibilities well. But for whatever the case may be, I'm glad that it I was able to become more independent when my partner left me. Now, I think it's being able to adapt to changes is what I really need to learn. I should learn to face reality more indignantly.

Hurt Me or Hurt Them?

I saw Mr. Teasing guy today. As usual, He hurled me some annoying jokes again. Call me weird but aside from the usual anger that I have always carry for this guy, I felt guilty at the same time. The paranoia that he might have read my blog suddenly seized me and it frightened me to picture him reading every detail of my letter to him only to find out how I really view him as a person.

Why is it so hard for me to say the things I want to say? The problem in me is that I get mad at someone then I won't be able to express it because I am too scared to confront him so I'll choose to blog it instead then I'll get scared again if he found out about my secret. This has always been a pattern to me. I'm a coward! I'm scared of confrontation and now I'm scared too if people found out about how I really feel. So what am I to feel?

I began to regret all that I have written. Then I thought that between hurting someone and getting hurt, I'd rather be the latter. I could imagine how Mr. teasing guy would react to my letter. Ok I'm not pretending to be a good and sensitive person here. In fact, I still hate him. But i'm also very much inclined to feel guilty... that's why I also find it hard to tell him outright that I don't like his jokes because afterwards I'm pretty sure I'd start to feel guilty too. I think I was born with too much guilt. It's making me insane.

There's this saying that you shouldn't correct a mistake by making another mistake. I think I just did that. I know that there is something wrong in me and mr. teasing guy. Maybe I was too nice or maybe he was just too tactless. Whatever it maybe I should have solve the problem by telling him how I feel about his jokes. That is the rational way. Yet, I chose to blog it and tell the whole world about it but him. Now the guilt is killing me. I felt like I have done something unfair to him indirectly. When I saw him this morning, I just silently wish that my previous wish, which was to be able to find some kind of a radar to deliver the message to him, won't come true. I wish I could erase all the bad things I thought about him but that's not possible either. so i feel bad about myself. I should have been more graceful, less fearful, more vocal ... people hurt me and I can't even defend myself. I hurt people and I can't even stand for what I think and feel. Isn't that pathetic?

To the people who commented: Thanks a lot for your time and nice comments. It really made me think. I promise I would do something about this. Honestly, when I think about this issue, I think it's kind of lame. I should have been strong enough to defend myself. The weird thing is, there's always two sides of me struggling: the objective side would say I need to tell him right away and fight for my right and the emotional side would say you're too afraid of confrontation and too scared of everything so don't spill.

Now I'm thinking of changing the title of my blog. It should be schizophrenic girl:: Rants and Raves.

A Letter to Mr. Teasing Guy

I have a colleague, the clown of the group, who likes teasing me but I don't find his jokes funny or amusing at all. We don't talk about our personal lives so he apparently doesn't know anything about me except that I'm a chinese. Everytime he sees me, he'll tease me about my color, my eyes, my language, my culture... just about anything associated to chinese peeps in general. He thinks he's being funny if he asked me about my sports(do you practice martial arts, kungfu?), the type of food I eat(do i use chopsticks? do i like noodles?), religion(am i buddhist?) in front of the my other colleagues obviously making a joke out of it... I don't know if i'm just too sensitive but I find it quite offensive for him to do that. Don't you think it's so insenstive for people to make fun of someone's culture? I think there are certain things that shouldn't be make fun of. The issue here isn't about his ignorance of our culture but rather of his respect for others. If he was really interested about chinese culture, he could've asked me in a more appropriate manner but not in the way he's doing now. Sometimes, he would, with his voice modulated, even imitate speaking our language for other non-chinese colleagues to laugh. Yeah yeah, because I'm the only chinese in the group. I'm the only one offended.

My problem is I don't even know how to confront him. That has been always my problem. I'm a fake person. Whenever this guy would start teasing me, I would just smile at him but deep inside, I hate him to death! I want to think though that his intentions aren't at all bad. I know that he's a nice person. He just used the wrong way of befriending me. If his jokes' intention was to catch my attention, yeah he achieved it but not in the way he wanted it to be. It made me want to avoid him more. I'm addressing this post to him.

Dear Mr. Teasing guy,

You might think I'm the nicest girl in town always smiling despite your sarcastic jokes. Sad to say, I'm not! There is more behind this girl than just the smile you see. I can be bitchy too and my patience isn't infinite. Can you please don't talk to me anymore? because everytime you talk to me, all i'm getting are your non-sense questions which I'm not interested to even answer. You think you're stupid jokes are funny? No they aren't. You're way too corny boy. If your joke is your idea of having fun, then you're certainly wrong. An effective joke should be something that's funny and not offensive at the same time. Why don't you try using yourself as the subject of your joke next time? Don't you think it feels a lot better when you know that you're not hurting anybody else while making people laugh?

I love jokes. I love telling jokes and I love laughing at peoples jokes. But if the telling of the joke would require hurting another person.. making them look stupid or weird that is, then I'd rather not crack the joke. I'm not going to get the laugh of my listeners in expense of another person (other than me). So mister teasing guy, I hope you learn from your mistake and learn the true art of joke-telling. Yes it is a very simple thing to do... it doesn't require any bachelor degree to be able to learn that. It just takes some common sense and a little bit of sensitivity. I do sincerely hope that you soon find your common-sense coz it seems lost. However, if you are really into chinese stuff, please don't ask me or approach me about it. I'm busy myself so I cannot accomodate your inquiries either. Besides, I only share the things I know to the people I like which you're not one of them. Just an advice, soon after you find your common-sense, you might also want to try surfing the internet and do the research yourself. I'm not a chinese encyclopedia or anything repository that you're thinking so go find the answers of your stupid questions yourself.

On the contrary, I know you're a nice guy and I know too this is just you're way of making friends. Perhaps, you just want me to feel comfortable so you start the conversation out by telling jokes. But you did it wrong. I never felt comfortable being with you. As a matter of fact, I dread being surrounded by you. I don't like your jokes and I don't like to be your friend. I'm not sending this letter to you but I hope some radar or sattelite or anything that delivers would help me send this message to you.

Sincerely, Harriene

Theory: Bad things happen to Bad people.

Whenever i'm reminded of this instance, I get so annoyed I want to poke that damn sales consultant(i'll call him SC from now on) right on his face. I recently enrolled myself to a nearby gym and was able to meet this very nice SC who explained to me everything I needed to know about joining the center. He seemed very decent and nice. He was soft-spoken and as i was quite a fool to generalize soft-spoken people as nice people, I believed and trusted this SC. I felt at ease with him. I enrolled right at that very moment and felt very happy that he was the one I was inquiring to. The gym registration went well. I was happy coz I could start my work-out start right away and he was happy coz he was able to recruit me. I know he'll be getting a commission for recruiting a new member.

Anyway, the ecstasy I had finally came to a halt when I later found out from the other members that the membership fees charged to me was a whole lot more expensive. Disappointing? yes it was! All the while, I thought I was dealing with a very nice person whom I trusted only to find out later that he overcharged me so that he could get a more elegant commission. I don't know if it was just me or if it was him... maybe I looked more gullible.. or maybe I looked too excited and he took advantage of it, maybe he was just an inborn swindler... or maybe, I'm just really a bad person who deserved it. Bottomline is... it was a bad experience. To be objective though, I cannot blame SC because he just did his part as a sales person. He simply wanted to earn more so he really had to sweet-talk me and made me believe that he was the one I should entrust my membership papers with. It was never his fault in the first place. I did the mistake because I didn't care to ask or at least canvass a little.

The truth is, I felt bad not because of the extra money I paid or because SC overcharged me and made me looked stupid (although it matters too). I felt bad primarily because my theory just hit me right there and then and my mind started to struggle...Yeah, I admit! I am neurotic. I reckoned that maybe, I have something bad inside of me that's why this thing happened to me. Afterall, my belief has been bad things only happen to bad people. How come it's happening to me? I felt bad because I didn't want to accept the fact that I am probably in some way "bad". As a matter of fact, I always consider myself a good person. Sorry if i'm being conceited but that was how I viewed myself. I never harmed anyone. I never wished ill of anyone. I try not to criticize. I try not to judge a person. Although I maybe rude at times but generally I considered myself a good person with a good heart. The thing I hate was the idea that I have to wrestle with myself. Either I accept the fact that I'm bad (which I apparently cannot accept coz I'm not!) or ... I change my own world view and say "Bad things can also happen to good people." That way, I can tag myself as still a good person who coincidentally just got swindled (Yeah, I know I'm just trying to escape from the fact.). But changing my own world view is something I'm unwilling to do coz' It will only confirm the fact that I don't have a definite stand in life. So either way I lose. I don't want to be bad but I don't want to change my own belief. What am I gonna do?

This morning while on my way to work, I began to assess myself. I truly believe that this bad experience is a price I need to pay for something I did in the past that I might be unconscious about. Recalling.. Have I ever cheated on someone? No. Have I ever laundered money or done anything illegal? No. Have I stolen money from others? No. Have I overcharged anybody just like SC did to me? No. Have I borrowed money from others but failed to pay them? No. Have I been getting salary more than I deserve? This question caught me. Yes! I have been getting my salary month after month and I confess I wasn't doing my job properly. Back to the question have i overcharged someone? As a matter of fact, Yes. I overcharged my employer. I overcharged him by getting my monthly salary by working only almost half of the day. I confess I cheated on my employer. I'm suffering from depression and I can't focus and think of anything else but myself and my life's issues and just anything but work and I even have the guts to charge them by the hour when all i did all day was sulk and blog?! Shame on me! Now I know why SC overcharged me. It's a cycle. I overcharge someone and someone overcharges me. You get what you give, you reap what you sow and it's the law of Karma. I'm more than glad now. At least I don't have to wrestle with my own mind now.

I don't wanna be too harsh on myself though. Let's just say you get back what you give out. I'm not a bad person. I'm just human who makes mistakes and sometimes forget to do her responsibilities. I'm sorry for my unproductivity at work but now that I've paid for it, I don't want history to repeat itself. I want to be more productive so that no one will ever overcharge me again (Talk about the money...). Conclusion? Yeah, I did something wrong and It came back to me. It's better to accept that than changing what I used to believe.

I just hope that my suffering of depression is not another price I need to pay for something else. So... does that make me a really really bad person for me to suffer?

My :: Natural Anti-depressants

I want to share the things that can make me happy at least for a while. Maybe this could help other depressants some ideas on how to lift up their moods . Also, I'd like to make my blog more cheerful. I found out that most of the blogs I have visited are mostly written by people who hates life or depressed like me or something else but happy. Few of them are really happy and most of them are confused.

1. Tennis - Ok, i'm not a sports buff and I'm no good at playing tennis. But I'm a self-confessed trying hard and frustrated tennis player. I once had a big crush on Michael Chang and he really inspired me to learn the sport. I did it. I was able to hit some balls although quite poorly but I'm glad I'm gradually improving. One of the benefits of playing tennis is you get to exercise, sweat a bit, and at the same time get to see some cute guys around the tennis court. Quite an effective anti-depressant.

2. Cheesecake and Ice Cream - I know these are the worst anti-depressants especially for people like me who always have an issue with weight. But for the temporary relief, getting a slice of cheesecake would be the answer. But I don't think this should be included in my list of official anti depressants coz the effect of having them is in fact gluttony. I just always end up eating more than what I originally planned and the guilt I feel afterwards is really terrible. But as i've said for the temporary relief, I still go for it. Geesh, I just ate a cup of ice cream!!

3. Books - books relieve me because it gives me the fulfillment and the thought that despite the fact that I'm depressed and I feel worthless, I'm still able to fill something in into my twisted brain whatever it is. and Just as Lex Luthor of smallville once quoted... "there's no such thing as too much information." Honestly, if there ever exist a disease of being voracious about gathering information, then I can possibly be diagnosed with it. In reality though, reading books makes me become more anxious... it makes me question more, think more, and feel sad more...as a matter of fact, it makes my life more miserable because it either contradicts my own belief or it makes me agree too much it's making me crazy. Yet, the sense of challenging your own mind makes me glad. Kind of odd but that's how I feel. I feel glad because I am able to challenge myself and know that I'm trying to outgrow myself but on the other hand, sad too because it makes the way I think more complicated and the once twisted mind becomes more crushed, more hollowed, more shapeless, more complex! It's as if there's nothing really definite or anything that I'm sure about... makes me become more doubtful.

But who's to blame but me? I chose the type of books I read... mostly psychological or philosophical books! Now that I'm thinking of it, I wonder if books were really good anti-depressants? or is it just me who unconsciously enjoys being boggled with too much information? Nah, the next book in queue would be Harry Potter 5. Guess it wouldn't make me that anxious.

4. Working out at the gym - Ok this i have to admit. I'm a gym buff. I may not be strong and muscular and physically fit but I love gym. Whether it's aerobics, kickboxing, steps or just hitting the machines, I couldn't resist it. It feels good being drained out. I always picture myself being able to drain out all the bad vibes in me whenever I work out. and It's true that working out releases endorphins. By the way, endorphins are a type of hormone in our body that heightens our mood. In short, the more you release endorphins, the happier you'll become. If only endorphins can be bought, I might go panic buying and believe me, I'm willing to use up all my resources just to fill myself up with endorpins. The secret really is to keep yourself moving ...

5. Sleep - This is the only time when I can stop myself from thinking and questiong the meaning of life. I love sleeping.

Blogging can really be an enlightening habit. You see, I wasn't really feeling good today as expected. But I wanted to change my mindset and see the brighter side of things so I thought that maybe I should blog something about the things that would make me happy. Having written these, it dawned on me that there are still a lot of things that I should be thankful about. I wasn't just appreciative enough but if I did my part, then maybe things will really get better. (I hope?)