Worry Mode

Fact #1: I want to leave this place and leave all the people behind. Forget about everything and start anew. Call it escape from reality. Don't ask me where this place is. I can't even figure out in what context am I viewing this place. All I can say is this place sucks. Hopeless.

Fact #2: If I'm going to pursue fact #1, that would mean giving up my job and go find my brother in New York. Find a job there. That is starting anew for me.

Fact #3: The probablity of getting a job in New York is very small. I lack the skills. As a matter of fact, I'm too lazy to even hone my skills. Also, I don't have the working papers.

Fact #4: Despite fact #3, I still think I ought to go give it a try or I will regret not doing it in the future.

Fact #5: Now I'm very much in the worrying mode. Should I give up my job and try New York? or play safe, stay here and sulk for the rest of my life?

Should I give up everything I have here to pursue another dream despite the big probabality that I might fail? My gutsy side wants me to give up everything and go give it a try. Afterall, life is a gamble. Besides, I don't have anything to lose other than my almost perfect job. Yet my coward side depresses the hell out of me. The thought of losing my almost perfect job seems to be so big a risk. :( *sigh*












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Dark Circles

I promised myself to try minimizing my ranting here but I just can't help it. Just when I thought I have already blogged down everything that worries me, here comes another issue again.

Today, I went to get some clearance form to be submitted here in our office. The clerk took me a picture which was to be included in my clearance form. That picture... that picture started it all.

I looked at my picture and noticed the dark circles under my eyes getting more visible. They're so dark man :( My eyes looked so sad and tired. It didn't have the supposed glow and vibrance of a young woman. I looked like a haggard in the picture add to that my pale-looking face and my pouting lips. My two eyes weren't even balanced to say the least. One was bigger and the other smaller. Ewwww.. I look so bad. My nose didn't appear proportional too. Waah!!! Doomed! doomed! While I was typing this, I feel so heavy and sad. I'm the negative countepart of blooming. I'm so unblooming.

I know I know I sound so pathetic and superficial and vain. If I'm not muttering about how fat I am, I'm complaining about how bad I look. I wonder what would my friends say to me if I pour out all of these to them instead of blogging it?  but if you are single and have no boyfriend/husband/kids/family/career to take care of, you're only problem is yourself. If I can't take good care of myself, shit, i'm so fuckin' doomed! I can't pretend I don't worry about how I look. I do worry. I'm now googling about how to get rid of dark circles. *worry*

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Bread for Strangers in the Night

I have a secret. I didn't tell this to anyone except for my mom but I'm gonna record it in my blog. :)

The other night, I dropped by a bakeshop to buy some bread. As I alighted from my car, I saw a dirty-looking man, I'm not sure if he's a beggar, but he's all black and stinky and dirty and it was obvious that he hasn't taken any bath for so long and his hair long and uncombed, standing beside the shop's gate. He murmured something and I didn't know if it was addressed to me but I was sure scared that he might come near me. I just ignored him like everybody else does.

Perhaps the after-effects of having read some blog entries about buddhism and being selfless, a part of me wants to do something nice for this fella. Impulsively, I picked on one extra bread and set it aside. On my way to my car, I approached this beggar and handed him the bread. He looked at me for a few seconds as though he was trying to imbibe the fact that someone was sharing something. I can see in his eyes that he was stunned, surprised that someone wasn't ignoring him then he took the bread, kept in inside his dirty bag and smiled at me. I walked away and when I entered my car he was gone already. I actually regretted I didn't buy more bread for him. I feel ashamed for giving him just a piece of bread. I could have obviously afforded to buy more.

The facade might be that I was doing something for him, but in reality that deed impacted bigger to me. It's such a big depression reliever to have felt that you were able to give something out without expecting anything in return. I want to thank that beggar for giving me the opportunity to feel the joy of helping others.

Side Note: I went home and I wasn't able to control myself so I told my brother about this instance. (I should've not!) I wasn't trying to fish for compliments. I just wanted to share the experience. Can you imagine what he said? He said that I was pretending to be nice. Huh? and to whom did I pretend? I was all alone in the car that night. So was he trying to imply that I'm just trying to impress, him? Sometimes, I don't understand that man. Don't get me wrong, my brother is a very good brother but sometimes, he can really be a jerk. I should've known better what would his reactions be. I should've not told him.

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Blog Milestone

Wow... 2000th visitor.. Please do drop me a line who's the 2001st visitor? :)

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