Week Long Training Harvest

I got a crush on my instructor during the past few days' training that I attended. Oh no, he's not a Keanu look-alike or anything like that. In fact, he looks nerdy, wears eyeglasses, stands short and simply mediocre. I am impressed with his personality though. He is witty, smart, confident, articulate and substantial. Everytime I walk into the classroom, I am sure I will end the day a bit more enlightened and intelligent. He's the type of person you'll love digging as he has a lot of things to say, not just about the course I took but just things and his opinions in general. Everything he says always makes a lot of sense. Gheez, exactly my type of guy. But how come they are so rare?

The sad part is my colleagues were privately joking about this instructor being potentially a gay. They say he looks so prim and proper and that his hobbies are so feminine. One time the instructor mentioned he love cats and baking and that got my colleagues thinking about his sexuality. They say his antics have a touch of gayness in it. Life, oh Life! Why do I keep being attracted to gay men?

Just a thought

One of my brothers overprotects that he worries that I fall in love on some unworthy guy and I'll just end up hurting myself. He said that I should not allow myself to emotionally invest on someone if I can't see any signs of reciprocation on the guy's part.

I say, I'm too much a selfish snob to allow myself to invest without getting anything in return so he shouldn't worry. On second thought, it doesn't really matter if I emotionally invest on someone or not. I think everyone must learn to trip and fall before they learn to stand up and walk. I'm not saying I'm looking forward to stumbling down over a guy. If I could get over it the better but I want to tell my brother that seeing his sister stumbling isn't something he should be afraid of. Everyone must sacrifice to learn something and as one of my trainors said learning is a painful process. I don't mind going through that painful process if that's what it takes for me to learn and feel life.

I've been so pampered and loved all my life and stumbling once in a while wouldn't hurt too much. Besides, isn't it life supposed to be like that? At some point in time, I have disappointed and hurt some other people and if one day, payback time comes along and I'm the one who gets disappointed and hurt, I don't really mind. Sometimes you're on top, sometimes you're at the bottom. It doesn't really matter who gets hurt or who's not.

Brother Darling, I know when to stop and pack things up. Don't you worry. Sister is old and wise enough, I think.

Kindergarten

Harriene: I am so delayed. :( *sighs* Everyone our age is so much into dating and marriage. They're all doing the right stuff at the right age and I'm still here, stucked in kindergarten not much into anything but work and blog and work and blog.

Friend: Nah! Don't worry. You still have someone with you. I don't have a boyfriend either. I'm in kindergarten too.

Harriene: Well, at least you're dating somebody. You're not as delayed as me..

Friend: Really? You think so? What does that make me? (comforted) *grins*

Harriene: Mmmmm... since you're dating someone now, You should be in grade four. The others are in high school worrying about their soon-to-be marriage. You must be somewhere between grade four or grade five.

Friend: Wow! those are such comforting words! But if I was in grade four, I can't get past that stage. :(

Harriene: No worries. I can't even get past kindergarten. What's there to worry?

In relation to the previous post about chinese families and getting married, I've also related the same concern to my mom. I told her I don't wanna be part of that kind of family problems just like most of my chinese friends do. My mom, as supportive as she was, comforted me and said I was luckier than them coz' I don't have to go through problems like that.

I got hysterical. Of course I won't! I don't even have a boyfriend yet for Christ's sake. While most of my girlfriends are going through what an ordinary mid 20s girl goes through, I am still the same old girl just exactly the way I was when i came out from college. Nothing's changed. No growth or improvement or anything like that.

Instead of being comforted with my mom's words, I felt sad. I told my mom I'm one of those late bloomers who until now has not bloomed yet. If I and my girlfriends were all in school, I'm a detained student. All my friends are already in high school and I am still stucked in kindergarten. They're going through more advanced issues in life while I'm just starting to count from one to ten. Oh, I'm such a life-challenged girl.

The Key is Acceptance

I'm now eavesdropping two of my colleagues gossiping. Oh, I didn't mean to snoop but the two of them are seated just a little less than a foot away from me and it's hard to ignore their conversation given the distance.

I ain't gonna complain about them. In fact, I'm going to blog down the one and only one line I overheard that caught my ears. I'm suspecting that one of them is complaining about a guy with some attitude problem here at the office and the other was trying to console her and telling her not to take things too personal. This is what one of them uttered. "You just have to accept him as he is. That's him. If you're going to grumble about how bad his attitude is, you're the only one who's going to suffer. But if you accept him just as he is, then you won't be bothered anymore and you can overlook whatever weird thing he is doing."

Alright, it's not just one line that I overheard. It's a small part of the conversation that I overheard. Anyway, I think that line makes a lot of sense. I myself usually find myself annoyed at certain people like pinchy girl and whispering guy but really, if I just try to look them at another perspective, understand them and accept them as what they are, I know I won't be bothered and I'm sure I will live a happier life. Sometimes, the things that make sense are much harder to do and that things that aren't making any sense are what we love practicing and I wonder why is that. It's so much easier to complain than to embrace the facts in life.