Dysfunctional Family

My aversion of men is rooted from the environment I grew up in. To be honest, I am a part of a very dysfunctional family. I never revealed the kind of background I have to my friends because I want to protect my family. Sad to say, protecting these people comes with having friends misunderstanding my attitude. I grew up in a place where almost everyday, I witness couples fighting and women struggling to save their marriage. It's as if I am watching a live drama. The only difference is I watch different stories simultaneously. Not just one but many stories - from hell.

I know of a woman who has a drug-abused husband. Her husband practically lives in a drug rehabilitation center all his life. It has been a pattern since I was a child that every after a few months stepping out of the rehabilitation center, husband would initially pretend that he's a changed man. Slowly he goes back to his similarly drug-abused friends and starts engaging into drugs. Wife couldn't stand it and goes back to losing her hope. Wife would then scheme out a plan with the police officers to capture husband and bring him back to rehabilitation center. These chasing-one-after-the-other commotion I saw with my two eyes. It happens regularly. Husband comes out after a certain period and goes in again the next. Endless Cycle. Not to mention that wife has four problematic boys too. That I won't discuss anymore. It's getting more tormenting.

I know of another woman who also has a drug-abused husband. Only her husband doesn't need to be confined in a rehabilitation center. Better, eh? She personally attends to her husband. Just that wiping her husband's ass off has been included in her list of responsibilities. The twist is when husband is high on drugs, he can be unconscious for days. No shower, just pure shitting around, literally. Nobody dares clean the mess of her husband other than his wife. She has no choice. She helps her oblivious husband takes a bath and cleans up his ass.

I could go on and on with the true stories I witnessed. Those are a few stories I know of, I still have tons of them stacked in my mind. In fact, I still haven't tackled my mother's story. It's not as horrible as the ones I mentioned but it's a torture too. My dad is a major flirt. Loves women. Loves philandering. Loves gambling too. I can't curse my father for being like that coz he is a good father. He has his good sides. The same way I couldn't say anything bad about the men aforementioned. They might have their goods sides too that I am not aware of or perhaps, their own reason for being like that.

All I know is having encounters like these as a child is traumatic. As an adult when I began reading psychology books, writers usually ask their readers what part of their childhood left the strongest impression on them. Those memories usually explain and sum up what kind of personality and idiosyncrasies one would develop as an adult. This experience created such a big impact on my outlook in life that I lost faith in men ever since I was a little girl. That also explains why I don't trust people easily. I am suspicious and cautious and honestly, I am bitter. I hate people and I hate men and I don't understand why some girls just cannot seem to live happily without men. If only they knew how evil men can be, then they wouldn't be so desperate. Of course, I still have so many other psychological flaws that have yet to be unfolded. This revelation is just a tip of an iceberg.











Posted by: H79 | link |comments (8)

My Utopia

I grew up in the city and love my life here but there is always a part of me that thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. At times I dream of going somewhere far from the city and spend the rest of my life there. I wish I'll have a small cozy house somewhere along a white-sand beach. I will shut off myself from the city and from all the not-so-useful people I know. I can get away without a TV but I have to bring along my computer (for blogging of course) and a music player. I will have a garden where I will grow all kinds of fruits and vegetables and I'm going to be a genuine vegetarian and frugitarian. Oh no, since I'll be staying beside a beach, I'll probably eat seafood too. No fried, just grilled or baked or boiled or even raw.

I am going to load up my music player with new age, asian pop and alternative music. I will probably ask my brother to send me his own mp3 collection. That way I don't need to search it through the internet. My book shelf will compose of philosophical, self-help and non-fictional books. Yes to autobiography, No to romance novels. Alright, I'll stash some chic-lit for laughing purposes. Occasionally I will surf the net to check out new books and music.

I'll also get a pair of sturdy dogs to guard my house and be my jogging partners. Siberian Husky, American Pitbull or Beagle. They will be my best friends. They will listen to my stories and be there for me always but they will not bug me with their problems. I will name my doggies, ahmmm, Marble and Sacha. Every morning after I jog with M and S. I'll watch the sunrise over the house veranda with a hot cup of milk. Make it soy milk instead. More organic. I'm going to read the morning papers but I ain't going to read any articles about war or politics or crimes or terrorism. I'm going to be selective. I will filter out only the refreshing articles which will mask me from the real world. I will just lie myself down onto a hammock 'til mid morning and feel the ray of sunlight flashing through my window and the breeze of fresh air shoving onto my cheeks. Serene and Calm.

Once or twice a week if the weather permits (wow, I have gone as far as anticipating the weather conditions?) I will go fishing and sailing too. I will go to the local market to sell my crops and exchange it for some other necessities. The excess I will share it to the needy. I will be a good citizen but I am not going to develop any close friendship with anyone nor reveal my identity. I will be spending an incognito life. I will not allow myself any commitment of being friends with anyone else. No obligation to anybody equals no one to disturb my peace. I will talk/smile or ignore/frown whenever I feel like it and I am not going to care about what they would say. Afterall, I am incognito.

Every now and then, I will keep in touch with my mom and my dad and my brothers and a few close friends. I just hope that I am not going to get any news from friends about their boys but on second thought, that would mean no more topics to talk about so I will still allow boys topic. I just hope in that few times that I'll be talking to my friends, they will be telling me more about their passion, hobbies, work, family and ... just more essential and noteworthy things in life. Not just boys. Boys don't make up our lives. They're just a part of it.

At the end of the day, I will put myself to sleep and spend the next day glad that I am living in my utopia. Ahhh.. (let me borrow this from Techie..) sigh. bliss. This is a selfish thought. After a month of living like this, I'll probably wish I'm back to my city life.

Posted by: H79 | link |comments (11)

Free or Not Free

I don't believe that human beings possess real freedom. The fact that our lives are interconnected with each other makes all human trapped. We are all trapped inside a world where society impose on what's right and what's wrong on us and we don't have any choice but to conform.

Yes of course we can still do the things we want but the consequences are not something we can control. For me real freedom is to be able to do something no holds barred without having to worry what will happen next. Sometimes I am starting to think that when one is trapped alone in an island like that of Tom Hanks in Cast away, then that is the time one achieves real freedom. There he is not afraid to do whatever he wants coz he has nobody to consider and to care for. It's kind of contradicting to think that the people in the society are those I consider trapped while the people isolated in an island alone are the ones I consider really free. Odd enough.

But then of course if I were to choose, I still have to choose being with people I love even if it means being trapped in this society. Real freedom comes with a insurmountable price I suppose.

Posted by: H79 | link |comments (7)

Too many saying goodbyes lately. A friend broke up with her boyfriend lately. I don't know what to advise which. The girl doesn't want any reconcilation, the guy wants otherwise.

I talked to the guy last week and honestly I didn't know what to say. He wanted to reconcile with her but I knew my friend decided she didn't want to.  My friend reminded me not to talk to him coz' it will only make things big and she didn't want to hear any news about him. She said she didn't want to fall for his 'appeal to pity' tactics anymore. After chatting with guy, I found the other side of the coin. I am puzzled. I don't know who to side with coz' they're both my friends. If I told guy to continue pursuing, my friend might get mad at me. If I don't, I will feel bad about this guy coz' he seems to be sincere.

The best thing to do is 'do nothing'. :) I was neutral all along. I just pretended I heard nothing from them and just wait what will happen next. I don't know if I'm doing it right but I guess as for now, that is the safest thing to do. I don't wanna be blamed in the future in case something bad happened. At least by doing nothing, I'm just an audience watching a real life movie. I think that's the best help I can give.

 

Posted by: H79 | link |comments (7)

I have a mood cycle. Every now and then, I hibernate from friends. I hide from them literally. Avoid contact, Avoid chat. Avoid going out. Being with friends seems to be something I need to exert effort on. I know it shouldn't be the case but that's happening to me and I'm getting tired.

Listening to their stories is one hell of a heavy task. I'm a self-proclaimed listener of the group but I regret to this day that I shouldered that goddamn role. I don't usually talk about my own problems. Never the storyteller of the group coz' I am not comfortable making myself the center of the attention. I am always the listener but it wears me out too. I am a classic example of one who never gets contented. Don't wanna be the storyteller, don't wanna be the listener (I admit! I just want balance just like here in the blogging world ok?) Their endless stories are sometimes emotional, sometimes repetitive, sometimes serious but most of the time pure meaningless. Yeah of course the meaningless issues aren't really meaningless. It only becomes one when it's been said over and over. My friends never get tired of repeating their problems in life. When they say they're sad about a certain guy leaving them, expect it to be the headline story for the next few months (like what? That is a shocking news! he left you?! That bastard!) until she finds a new guy to focus her attention to and then the guy leaves again and the same story starts again.

The problem with me is, I'm too good a listener. I bite whatever story is presented even if I knew from the start that it's just the same story.. different guy-same story or same guy-same story! Plots are all the same. The exhausting part though is coming up with a "new and profound" advice as if I just heard her story for the first time. I'm a hypocrite. People assume I love listening but I don't. They don't have a single idea that I'm dead tired of it. Hey, my mind gets tired of forming new advice too! Sick and tired and if I don't hibernate from them, I am afraid I might say out things I shouldn't say.

Posted by: H79 | link |comments (11)